An Honest Conversation
Today is Bell Lets Talk Day. I have gone back and forth between sharing my own story, but that’s why we have this day. People don’t openly talk about this kind of thing enough, and we want to end that stigma. So here we go.
After a 6 year on and off relationshit (no, thats not a spelling mistake, that is what it was) we decided to call it quits. Nobody could say we didn’t try hard to make it work, as we had gone to couples counselling, we lived together, we lived apart etc. Fact of the matter is, a relationship won’t work without trust, and we just didn’t have that anymore. At 23 I was single and completely lost. Someone had given me the advice to stay busy which would make time fly by, and the sadness subside. I had also been told that how ever long you were with a person, it would take half that time to get over them. This was 4 years ago, and believe me it flew.
I forced myself to be as busy as possible. I bought myself a day timer and started booking myself up. I hit the gym at 6am daily, and rode my horse after work. I hung out with as many friends as possible. I went on trips and went on dates fully knowing I couldn’t actually date the guy, my head was too messed up, but hell, a rebound was a good distraction. I bought myself a faster horse and did things for myself, without having to ask to do it. I started to wear lipstick because I wouldn’t when I dated him cause he didn’t like it, though secretly I loved it. I couldn’t help but think, “damn, why didn’t I become single sooner?”
Over this time I had gained many new friends. With my many new friends I often became their shoulder to cry on as any good friend would do. I however couldn’t just listen, give words of advice and carry on. I have the tendency to feel a great deal of empathy. When my friends feel sadness, I do too. The summer of 2015 I started to feel very burnt out, and more emotional than I had been in a while. I couldn’t tell if it was just because my Papa had been in the hospital so long, if I had been too busy for too long, or if it were the hormones in the birth control I was on. I was in the doctor office for a prescription refill when she had simply asked me, “how are you doing?” I burst into tears for no reason. This happened a lot. I didn’t think much of it. She had asked me a few other questions, then decided I was “mildly depressed” where I would have a few days of a “normal mood” then back to feeling down. Her suggestion was to avoid alcohol, get some vitamin D, fresh air and exercise. If things were to get worse I would have to come back and get meds. I went off my birth control as I felt that it would help me.
In 2016 I had highs, and I had lows. I slept A LOT, cause when you’re asleep you don’t have that heavy feeling in your chest and mind. I had conversations with friends where I would cry my eyes out telling them how I felt and what was going through my mind. What helped me was when they would open up and tell me their own experiences with depression and/or anxiety. Knowing you’re not alone helps immensely. Though sometimes I had thought I would be better off to not be here, the thought of committing suicide made me feel ill, and was something I knew I couldn’t/cannot do.
I continue to go to the gym, eat healthy and keep my alcohol consumption in check. I surround myself with positive uplifting women who love the heck out of me as much as I love them. I chose to not sell my horse because she brings me happiness & I have stopped comparing my life to everyone I see on various social media platforms.
I chose to share this with everyone, hoping someone reading this can feel the same comfort that I did, knowing you’re not alone.
